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Saturday, August 22, 2015

DATE REVIEW: Handsome Racist Polyglot

I forgot to add a trigger/content warning for: anti-Black racist language.

After a convo with my friend tonight where he dropped the term "serial dater" I started thinking "hmmm. that sounds like me". It's not that I mean to, it's just that... a lot of my dates happen to be close together and happen in clusters, and they don't usually lead to LTRs (hence the still being single thing), so they're often one or two dates and then nothing. This then led me to think... I have a ton of funny date stories, and I think it would be fun to share them. Kind of like a REVIEW. SO let's begin.

I found him on POF. Unlike 99.999% of the 3-4 guys who message me per day, he actually read my profile and commented with something related to it. Nothing special, but I do have a "Read My Profile, Get A Response™" policy - even if it's just to say "thanks for trying out, but ya didn't make the team". So I answered. Even though his profile was... erm... how to say this politely? Shit.

Aside from his age (late 30s), ethnicity (white), smoker status (I forget, who cares), longest relationship (4 years), profession (IT? who knows? zzzzzz), pets (no), seeking ("Handsome Racist Polyglot is actively seeking a relationship"), and Zodiac sign (fire sign, aka TROUBLE), his profile consisted of 3 pictures (one of which was a Douchebag Sunglasses™ type picture, similar to the beefcake on the right below, though taken outdoors, so slightly more legit):

In addition to three whole pictures, which were consistent, and clearly showed the same person, his entire profile consisted of sweet fuck all else. I mean, he couldn't even be bothered to use three dots in the "about me" section? WHAT KIND OF SOULLESS WEIRDO ONLY USES TWO DOTS? This is his profile:

I responded, made a joke about his shitty profile, and several messages led to another and then we were texting and planning to meet. Conversation didn't seem to be his strong suit and his texts consisted of 2 or 3 word questions or answers. But it was a slow week, he was ridiculously handsome - with twinkling blue eyes, cropped salt & pepper hair, good bone structure, and perfectly pouty lips - and I wanted a free latté. And hey, I'm not a 17-year old goat, so I fit his strict criteria!

He picks me up at my house on Wednesday night (last week), because I like to live dangerously (and getting into strange men's cars is a good way for a lazy, broke person to do that). He doesn't get out of the car, and looks possibly vaguely disappointed when I get in. He asks where to go, as he lives outside of the city, and seems afraid I will get him lost. I direct him to a Second Cup where I get a vanilla latté and he gets a smoothie because he is a SOULLESS WEIRDO WHO ALSO DOESN'T DRINK COFFEE. Fine. No one is perfect. 

I drink my delicious latté, he takes literally one sip of his smoothie, and we chat about Europe, travel (which I know little about), cycling, this city (which he knows little about), past dates, languages (he speaks several), and other typical first date stuff. Even though it's 21˚ outside, and he's fawning over the perfect weather, I'm pretty sure I see him shaking several times as though he's cold. I go to offer him my sweater, then realize I'm wearing a girlie cardigan twice his size, so I let him shiver in silence.

45 minutes later, I say yes when he asks if I'd like to go, so he grabs his full smoothie, and we walk towards his car. I'm kind of relieved that the date is probably already over because I have cramps, an eggplant sandwich in the fridge at home, and it's Suits night. 

But then, as I'm buckling up, he says, very business-like in his Eastern European accent "do you want to kiss?" I won't say where he's from, but I will say it was said very efficiently. I shrug my shoulders and say "sure", and he finds this amusing.

And then we're kissing, in his car, in a parking lot, and it's nice. He's a good kisser. Not jabbing his tongue into my throat, not slobbering on me, or licking my teeth, or sucking all of the air from my lungs. We have similar kissing styles, which is nice. I hate having to train people to kiss me the way I like. 

We pause to comment about sparks, kiss some more, and then he makes a joke about still having 30 minutes of paid parking left. "I PAID FOR THIS!" he exclaims with a chuckle. I brush it off, and we kiss some more, but then he grabs my thigh - nay, the tip of my crotch - and says it again. "Um... I charge WAY more than $1.25 per hour!". He laughs, not yet realizing that I am serious. They're so cute before they find out I'm a sex worker!

I'm starting to feel slightly uneasy, and I suggest we go for a drive. I assure him, once again, that I have lived in this city for 15 years and I will not get us lost. We kiss some more, and he asks if I'd rather keep doing this or go for a drive. "Drive" I say definitively. So of course he asks another 2 or 3 times just to be sure.

And finally we're mobile, I'm cupping the cool night air in my palm and people-watching - which is the absolute best when done from a moving vehicle. We talk about past relationships, and he tells me he once dumped a woman because she couldn't cook a meal without having the water constantly running in the sink. Legit. What is up with THAT? When the Water Wars start, she'll be the first one drained by Malcolm McDowell, Tank Girl style, for 500ml of H(human)20. I tell him about the date who tried to hit a goose while we were biking. I direct him through random streets. "Are you sure you know where we are?" he asks occasionally. He holds my hand and looks at me often. "You are very beautiful" he says more than once. He is too. It's nice when they look better in person. Sometimes they use fake photos and assume I won't care because "women don't care about looks" or, apparently, that they lied. Or something.

We end up, not totally by accident, at the beach. We park and start kissing. He's getting a bit aggressive - pulling my hair, biting my lip too hard. At one point his hand is reaching under my tights and I pull it away. "Don't do that! Tell me what you want!" he says. "Um. OK. I want you to remove your hand? And I want to not have to state things made obvious by my body language". He says ok then whispers, in a most delicate manner into my ear, "shut up".


I don't say anything. We kiss some more, I say something about him being bossy, and he says it again. "Yeah.. shutting up is not something I'm very good at". He says good, and despite being aggressive, suggests that he likes bossy women. Great.

It's been a couple of hours at this point, and I'm ready to go home. He ignores my instructions and we almost get lost. He asks a lot of questions about my dating life, and when he finds out that I've had around 8 or 9 dates this year he turns to me and says "oh, you're a bad girl eh?"


"Because I've had dates? Um, define bad?" I laugh incredulously. Is he suggesting I'm a slut (and hey - nothing wrong with sluts) because I've had an average of ONE DATE PER MONTH? I don't even want to get into why it's a sexist double standard with him. He'll just call me a "typical girl" again, having done so twice already. He asks more questions about my future and past dates. Jealous type. Did he miss the part of my profile that says I am monogamish? Most of them do, or assume I'm not serious about it.

We're almost at my place, and he's talking about the suburb where he lives - how it's so quiet, has little crime, and that he never sees the police. "There's no Black people there" he says nonchalantly. I'm pretty sure he's not saying this because he's aware of issues like racial profiling and police violence against Black folks, and I look at him, eyes wide open, and ask myself WHY I'm surprised. SO MANY of my dates, EVEN THE BLACK GUYS, talk shit about Black people, and I always end up on some anti-racist rant and/or in tears. Feeling like this one is a lost cause, I vow to save that conversation for another time and I direct him back to my house.

Of course, he wants to come in. Of course I refuse. "It's messy" I tell him, and it is VERY messy. "Typical girl" he says again. "Typical guy, making sexist assumptions! I have cramps too, and I'm tired, and I have work to do". I'm more than annoyed at this point. He keeps asking, insists it will be "kissing only" AS IF he is captaining this ship (haha). I tell him, finally, "next time" - though at this point I am fairly certain there won't be a next time. He asks again, and I remind him of the cramps, and that I just want to take some Advil and lie down. "Oh, well you don't have to do anything, just lie down. HA HA!". And just as an image of him drugging me and raping my unconscious body flashes in my mind, I'm bidding him farewell and getting out of the car. His GPS, who he calls "his best girlfriend" will get him home safely.

I text him about 30 minutes later to thank him for the latté and the drive. He texts me back 2 days later and says "hello". While he seemed very concerned with whom I was going to have my next date, and insisted that his next date was going to be with me, it's been almost 2 weeks and aside from "how are you" texts, there's been almost no follow-up. Which, after writing this, I'm thinking is probably a good thing. For me. I do wonder, though, whatever became of that $4 mango smoothie.

Great kisser, paid for coffee. Good driver. Probably looking for something long-term. Potential to be controlling, possibly abusive. Probably overtly racist, but in total denial about it - would use the "but I am mixed race I can't be racist" argument if called on it. Doesn't like to hear "no".

Unknown, unlikely

Probably not viable for a long-term relationship. Potentially viable as a casual sex partner, if he doesn't speak and/or I'm drunk and/or he gives good head. EDIT: After a chat with a good friend tonight (Aug. 22), who lovingly reminded me that he sounds like a boundary breaker - and that I already have one problematic guy in my stable, my ex - it became clear that there will be no more dates with Handsome Racist Polyglot. There are just too many issues for even something super casual. Le sigh. Toodle-oo you gorgeous, shitty man.

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