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Saturday, August 30, 2014

8 Years

Some magic has occurred!

But first!

8 years. On and off. It started 8 years ago.

8 years ago, roughly, is when I first signed up for a popular online dating site.

8 years (with a lot of lapsed years in between) of (in no particular order):
• Sexual harassment
• Being fooled by men my intuition screamed about
• Being fooled by men who seemed genuine
• Unending comments about my body, in two varieties: negative and fetishistic
• One word messages
• Fake photos not correlating with real life people
• Unsolicited and amateurish penis portraits
• Requests for casual sex, disguised as new-age quasi-Buddhist-free-love-and-incense-spirit-quests spoken as Love Is Beautiful Let's Share It Sweet Sister
• Racists!
• Sexists!
• Misogynists!
• Bait and switch
• Dieting tips!
• Occasional threats!
• Thinking I'll be impressed you figured out my hooker name, yet are not willing to pay me
• Manipulation
• Stalkers
• Epic fuckery
• Douchebagery
• Lessons
• Rejection, going both ways

Mentioned only because it all makes the magic so much sweeter. A thoughtful, coherent, initial contact, initiated by him. Weeks of texting, talking, laughing - easy. No rushing. No questions about bra size. No sexual innuendos. Not one. Brain quest. Familiarizing. Discussions of feminism, racism, activism. The stuff of my heart. Laughter. Ease. Comfort. Excitement. Smiles. Constant smiles. Zero doubts. Zero red flags.

And then we finally met. A first date, evident in the first 10 minutes. Traditional enough to pick up the tab, but progressive enough to understand patriarchy and the value of sex work, minus the judgment or disgust. The comfort of new friendship, and the excitement of romance stirring over coffee. Contentment and thankfulness barely contained. Almost spilling out into happy tears as it's written. Flirting! Compassion about bodily aches and limitations. Masks left at home, or somewhere else. Fruity beers and delicious salad. Jokes. Laughter. Disbelief. After so much hurt, disappointment, and heartache, this? For me? Finally?

(image found here. If anyone knows who the artist is, please comment or let me know!)

Wonderful conversation. Comfortable silence. Absent of usual doubts. Confident that this isn't a long, sweet dream. A real date. With a real, feminist, body-positive, sex work-positive, Palestine/Indigenous/human-rights supporting man. Of exactly my physical type. Brown eyes, skin, hair, and stubble. Shining eyes. Smiling eyes. Mouth spouting brilliance and humour and desire. Charmingly awkward. A plan unfolding almost exactly as I wished it. Dreams manifested.

My place. A bit of wine. Games. Jokes. Talking. So much talking. Friendship. Curious about each other. A request to move closer. Feet on my legs. Hands touching. Pulled slowly, closer to me. Finally a kiss, quickly upgraded to horizontal cuddles in my bed. No problem with the fan. Laughter! Questions, endless. Arms around torsos. Aloe Blacc. Ideas for romance-enhancing apps. Zero pressure. More than we'd planned sexually. No fear of disappearance or hurt. Expressions of desire. Talks of future encounters. Request for mouthwash met with enthusiastic compliance. Mouth on my nipples. Permission to go down requested, not caring about a lack of showering. Amazing oral. Touching. Kissing, cuddling. A surprisingly dirty mouth while fucking me perfectly from behind. Perfect fit. Eyes on eyes. Endless cuddles. Sweetest of dreams. Sadness that Dad will never meet him. Stories shared. Jokes. Laughter.

Coffee fetched in the afternoon, enjoyed over bagels. A return to cuddles. Dirty talk and fucking. Orgasms. A sex drive to match my own, completely undetectable before last night. Unbelievable oral. Giggles. Expressions of hope, that many more such days will ensue. A reluctant goodbye. Follow-up texts. Laughter. Smiles. Friendship. Acceptance of my true, dirty self, so far.

8 years! 8 years ago: this is what I had in mind, why I signed up. 8 years ago I might have rejected it. 8 years ago I was not who I am now. 8 years ago I didn't know what ridiculousness was out there for a woman like me.

8 years later, wrapped in magic. Feeling so fucking grateful and aglow. I know what's out there. This is special.

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