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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Note To Brokenhearted Self

Following the trend (meaning respecting my own active choice to change my usual patterns of behaviour) of NOT resorting to the same ole same ole methods of dealing with a breakup (relying on intoxicants like weed and booze, eating too much, not eating enough, eating only junk food, not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, ignoring tasks, allowing depression to fester, having empty sex with random strangers from craigslist, hiding indoors, feeling unlovable, telling myself I will be alone forever, etc.), I'd like to remind myself of another old crutch that would be best to avoid right now: ONLINE DATING, especially on Plenty Of Fish. When I'm feeling sad, and missing a person I loved for several years, trying to find someone to fill that space left by my departed lover is ineffective. And given the rampant fuckwittery, fat-phobia, sexism, and Nice Guy™ syndrome prevalent on dating sites, when I'm feeling not super awesome, it can make me feel slightly shitty about myself, and absolutely hopeless that I will ever meet a decent partner. Plus coming back time and time again to an empty inbox is disheartening. I'm going to step away.

I've been doing well in the other areas. I've been getting out more (including out of my comfort zone), and not drinking to excess while I am out; eating healthy food (mostly), fairly regularly; drinking lots of water, even more than my usual 3L per day; spending time with friends; forcing myself to smile; reminding myself that while I was responsible for the fight that went down, our relationship was EXTREMELY problematic, and not what I imagine for myself in the long term. I'm especially proud of myself for resisting the urge to smoke weed (my favourite vice): last night, swimming outdoors in a heated pool (in -20˚ Canada winter, AWESOME) I even found half of a joint along the pool's edge, and I left it there. I'm tired of masking my pain and never really dealing with it.

The pain is slowly starting to heal, though I miss my lover terribly and still pray nightly that everything will return to the way it was, though I know in my heart that it won't - and clinging to his "I miss you too" message is futile and foolish, and doesn't indicate any change - of course he misses me too. I even feel a sense of relief on occasion, as though I can just be myself again, all poly and imperfect and sexy, and I'm seeing a tiny sliver of light at the end of the tunnel in my mind. I also keep reminding myself that my pain, anger, and inability to channel it positively have contributed to a lot of the stress in my life.

But today I found myself updating my POF profile, and after reading SEVERAL profiles with "no BBW" type statements in them, I feel a bit down and cynical. But my brain was all "HEY! There's a reason you feel shitty, and this is it. You're not ready for a new love yet. You're not ready or strong enough to be sifting through these jerks' profiles yet. Give yourself time to heal, do the things you love, ON YOUR OWN, and when the time is right, you'll meet the feminist future husband of your dreams".

My brain also said: "And Vikings. You can binge-watch Vikings as an escape, but remember, though you miss his smell and his body, you are NOT Lagertha and Raghnar, except maybe for the fighting and his cheating. Try not to eat too much spinach dip while doing so, though."

Thanks, Brain.

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