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Sunday, September 2, 2012

A day like this... (re-read after I'm gone)

It will be a day like this. When someone I fooled myself into falling in love with two years before tells me they moved out of the city a week ago, and I realize they never said goodbye. When another boy I like seems to have lost interest after an amazing night together. When the constant barrage of NO FAT CHICKS messages override the tenuous self-love messages I spoke of earlier.
When I'm still mad at my mom for being a fat phobe, after I was fairly certain she finally "got it". It will be a day when I'm lonely, fatter than usual, and feeling like everything the media says about me is true: I'm lazy, undesirable, smelly, awkward, stupid, gluttonous, undateable, and destined to be alone forever. It will be a day when loving myself just isn't enough, when I can't fool myself into thinking that inspirational phrases/words/actions are even remotely close to the feeling of loving someone who loves you back. It will be a day like this, when all of my girlish hopes of romance and passion have been crushed, when I can't handle another judgmental stare, when I've been moo'ed at from a moving car while exercising, when every person I think is cute looks right through me, when that asshole lets every woman, except for me, on the bus ahead of him.

Yes, for certain, if the day ever comes, and sometimes (because I just don't know what the FUCK else to do, or where the FUCK else to hide from you fucking assholes/strangers who abuse me) I think it will come, because WHAT ELSE CAN I DO when I am filled with rage strong enough to envision being violent... but when/if the day comes, it will be a day like this one. A day that started out great, a day permeated with "does he still like me?" thoughts, and sunshine, and hopes. It will be a day like this, when I realise that everything this world has done to me has made me afraid to just be. A day when I remember just how often I've let myself down. A day when some doctor tells me to lose weight to cure my tennis elbow/sore throat/yeast infection. A day when I'm reminded that the most honest relationships I have are with clients who pay me for sex. A day when an otherwise amazing person who I learned to trust reveals themselves as a fat-hating douche. A day when I tell someone I love to fuck off because they don't love me back. A day when I realize that it's just getting worse every day.

It will be a day like this, though probably raining, when I finally break. It will be a day when I just can not handle the oppression anymore, because no one ever taught me how, and most of you don't even believe it exists, and the rest of you think it's my fault for having a fat body. Everyone's too busy bullshitting everyone else, saying it gets better. It will be a day like today, when my head hurts from crying, when I hate myself, when I feel old, not sexy, and like I've lost everything about me that makes me awesome. It will be a day when I genuinely tried, put my heart out, and got beaten down. It will be a day when I remember my grandma, languishing in a senior's home, and how I'm afraid to visit her for fear that she will insult/trigger me. It will be a day like this when I remember my dad is sick, and it's maybe genetic, so I may be sick too. It will be a day, probably winter, when yet another person tells me, dismissively, to "smile, hun, we all have problems" when I finally give up.

It will be just an ordinary day for you. But for me, it will be the day I finally find a nice, clean, painless (for me) way to stop the heart that sends the red hot fire blood through my body, which will stop the brain that makes me me. It will be of my own choosing. And I will probably, given my penchant for bad timing, regret it at the last second. It will probably never happen, because I am too afraid of physical pain. It will probably never happen because I would leave behind at least a dozen heartbroken people. It will probably never happen because I am a caring, loving, and thoughtful person. It will probably never happen because I am lazy, and I would probably not even succeed and wake up in the hospital like a giant suicide loser. But if it does happen, it will be a day like this, one day before I would have finally found a way to make peace with being alone forever. It will be badly timed.

And there won't be anything you could have done. This is not a cry for help. Do not intervene. Just know that if it happens, I broke. I could. Not. Take. Anymore. I ran out of strength. If you're a friend, you love me. You had nothing to do with this. My dad, telling eight-year old me "men don't date fat women" had a little to do with it. My stepdad, calling me names at fourteen, while my mom defends him, has a little to do with it. The rest of the family, who I avoided most of my life, and the grandmother who humiliated me so many times.. they love me too, and they hurt me the most. There is something they could have done, but it's so long in the past. They're different people now. There is nothing they could do now. They didn't make the world this way; they'/we're simply complicit. Those hundreds of men who took freely of my body, either deceptively or honestly, but almost all of whom did so with shame and embarrassment, they will have had something to do with this. Dr. Phils/Ozs, Gordon Ramsays, Jane-Velez Mitchells, Meme Roths, Marty Beckermans, that drunk bitch at the bar who always says, out of the blue, "you're big, but you're still beautiful, don't let anyone tell you different", adolescent boys, teenage girls, white soccer moms in SUVs at the Hebrew Day School who like to ask if I'm pregnant... they all had a little something to do with it. Those hundreds of men who scour the internet, looking for people who look like me, just to insult them, the day after they fucked me... definitely have something to do with it. I hope those people are struck with just how stupid and careless they were if that day ever comes. I hope they don't revel in the world being 265 pounds lighter. I hope that, if the day comes, it won't be for nothing. I hope that people will learn that fatphobia, and all other forms of oppression, are crushing and intolerable. And I hope they feel like shit about it.

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