(*Trigger warning: This post describes cocaine use)
Now I think he's just fucking with me. My lover was due to leave: first, the country; then, it was just the city, but staying in the country; then, it was staying in the province too. Now, he's still here, more than a week after he was supposed to be gone. And now he's purchased a bicycle, which makes me both weak in the knees and curious. Why buy a bike if you're leaving? Is he even leaving? And why am I now fucking AND tutoring him for free? AND still with no oral?
See, I thought I was 'good'. "I'm good!" I told all of my friends. And I meant it. I felt good. I was strong, not missing him, I was keeping busy. And now I'm going to blame my relapse on booze. I got drunk, my bits swelled, and I returned all of his missed calls. I miss him. I ALWAYS MISS HIM! And I can't fight the urge when I'm drunk. Perhaps, subconsciously, I wanted to get drunk as a pretext to call him, as a way to let myself. Regardless. I dipped into the honey pot known as Client Student Lover, and I'm all up in him again. And did I mention how cute he looked riding off on his new bicycle this morning?
I once told him, in all seriousness, that he is exactly like cocaine. "You ever tried cocaine?" I asked him. He had. He laughed. And I don't mean the coke you get these days, all cut and speedy and sketchy. I mean the good shit. Fish scaled and chunky. The Bolivian stuff I used to get years ago. The kind that tastes good, makes your throat seize, your mouth dry, your nipples hard and your genitals erect. The kind that last a bit longer, feels a bit sweeter, but then totally kicks your ass when you run out. The bag-licking, floor-searching kind. The desperate-for-more, WHERETHEFUCKISMYDEALER!!!? kind. The only thing you can think about. It's great when you have it. It fucking SUCKS when you're craving it and can't get it. You know you should quit. But it's ok. You only do it when you're partying. Or when someone else has it. It's cool. It's all good. Until you lose yourself. Again. He's like that. Without the sinus issues, headaches and withdrawal, obviously.